And This is Why the Geese must Die!

If you’ve been reading or listening to the news in the past two days, you could hardly have missed that a US Airways flight crash-landed in the Hudson River. And why did they crash? Because some bloody geese flew in front of the plane and destroyed both engines on impact! I am pleased how the media is handling the story—focusing on the heroism and skill of the pilot and remarking on the miraculous circumstances of the situation. But so far I haven’t seen anything about how we can make sure this never happens again. The solution is one of which I am sure anyone who has ever walked on a baseball field would approve: Kill the geese!

Call me cold-hearted, but frankly my dear I don’t give a damn. Geese have been quite a problem for some time, and with no natural predators to control their population, Geese happily parade around parks, beaches and playgrounds pooping over every square inch. In addition to this, they are really quite mean, especially when they are protecting a nest. Once, my father and I were trying to drop off our windsurfing equipment at the beach and soon discovered we had to pass a family of geese. Despite the fact that my father is a big guy, standing 6’1″, and despite that he was waving a 7′ long, yellow surfboard, the geese flew around our heads, occasionally trying to swoop down and bite. It wasn’t until my dad actually hit one of them with the board that they fluttered off. They are practically fearless, and it is our fault. They are so used to our presence that they see no need to be restricted to uninhabited areas. Even if they did have this fear, there are so many of them now that they look crowded even in the parks and fields. Geese may make a lovely V in the sky, but they make one heck of a mess on the ground and in the water.

And now, it becomes apparent to the world that the overpopulation of geese poses another threat, and this one to our very lives. Praise the Lord for this knowledgeable pilot who could safely land the plane after the disaster. I am very thankful that no one was seriously hurt, and I hope that what did happen was concern enough for people to start taking the goose problem more seriously. There are several things we can do to help the situation.

  1. The first is obvious. Get a gun. Though because New York State might raise a ruckus, the second solution provides what I believe is actually a legal way to kill geese, namely a bow and arrow. Shoot down the brutes and give your dogs a tasty meal. Feed the carcasses to zoo animals…I bet they’d love them. Besides, it is really fun to use a bow and arrow.
  2. Another solution has been proposed where the geese are tranquilized and put in a sanctuary. If you have this kind of PETA conscience and cannot bring yourself to kill the geese, please conduct this very expensive removal technique without using my tax dollars. Thank you.
  3. This is my favorite solution: kill the eggs whenever you see them. Do your best to scare away the parents and then break the eggs. You’d be doing a great deed for society.


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2 responses to “And This is Why the Geese must Die!

  1. sometimes i wonder if the news agencies can hear themselves reporting on things like this crash: “So the plane crashed and now it’s not flying anymore, because it crashed, and it’s in the water, and yes, we have now confirmed that the water is wet, okay, and this also means that the plane is wet because it is in the water…”

  2. As to #1, you can actually eat the goose breast yourself. I desperately want to try it. My friend Kevin just got into goose hunting and says the meat is delicious.

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