While perusing a department store one day I realized that the concept of the power tie completely eludes me. What a great present a power tie would be, I thought. If only I knew what it was. Power ties, I am told, are supposed to say something. (I suddenly got an image of tie depicting a large mouth that screams “Holla Back!” when you push the “Try Me” button. But alas, it is not that kind of statement). Power ties supposedly reflect the confidence and authority of the neck it binds. Just how this works, or if it works at all, I cannot say. It would take a great deal of psychological bullshitting to convince me that one shade of red invokes a more trusting and submissive response than another. Must power ties be red? Or is there more variation? What patterns are they allowed? I do not believe I have ever seen one, and therefore I have no reference point.
On the other hand, I have seen a power hanky gracefully cascading from the breast pocket of a classmate’s blazer. This particular power hanky was blood red in color, with a royal blue boarder and miniature golden crests which from far away looked like yellow polka dots. It seemed fairly gaudy, and yet somehow I knew it was supposed to invoke a certain response. Given that power ties are supposed to make a statement, what, pray tell, do power hankies say? “Behold, weaklings, how mightily I excrete my phlegm! Cower at the power of my honker!”
So how did I know that this was a power hanky? It was not because the hanky actually impressed me in anyway: It was rather that its owner was an aspiring politician and well on his way towards mastering the politician’s sleazy affect. He would need a power tie for that profession, just to fit in. So it therefore seems that the tie, or hanky in this case, does say something about its owner, though perhaps not what the owner had intended. The tie declares the owner to be in a select group of people committed to intimidating their neighbors into submission. Thus, the tie does not directly intimidate, but it is rather only a signal that the person in the tie intends to run you over.
Given this conclusion, I don’t think I will buy a power tie for my boyfriend or brother. Sorry folks.